did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
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I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"