I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia