She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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