My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
