Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
