my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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