i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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