So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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