Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
