time to smoke my breakfast
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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