I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've blown a few things in my day
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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