oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Girls should come with a carfax report
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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