Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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