do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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