my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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