So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
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well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
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Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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