you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He better not be in your backpack
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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