Soap is not a condiment
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
