just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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