My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
