I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
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oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
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I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs