my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
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You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
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You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas