I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
