he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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