I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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