Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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