It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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