I think my fart just growled at me.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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