I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
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He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
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Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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