I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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