You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Randomize
