If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
