he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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