His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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