there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Less talking, more tequila
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
