dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
