One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
