Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
