Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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