I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
