dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
