I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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