Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
