Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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