I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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