Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
