We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
