Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
