they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
