the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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