I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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