Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
