My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
