I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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