last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
