My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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