my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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