Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
