I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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