the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
