The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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