if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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