I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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