You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
