textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
