I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
