I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
In America we eat man semen.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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