I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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